Through loss there is hope...

I turned 32 a couple of days ago and as I look back on this last year I see joy, pain but most of all God's loving hand holding us all even stronger then ever.  I can't believe a year has gone by since I blogged last.  Adelaide is now 15 months old and is talking, walking, throwing tantrums (little ones), I have seen much worse, but most of all loving hugging and loving anyone that comes her way.  She is such a joy to us.  I cannot imagine going through this hard loss without her.  God reminds me every day to come to him like Adelaide does when she is hurt, happy, silly or sad.  Every time she is running with her arms outstretched.

The ache of loosing our little Sebastian is still there, but each day I try to make it through knowing that this grief is only a faze and that joy will come, and does come through glints every day.  I am reminded through other courageous woman and men who have lost little ones along life's journey, "that I will always miss him, but joy will come and by God's grace others will come that you would not have had if you did not loose your son."  Hard to hear but a God reminder that God opens and closes the womb, and once again that I am not in control!  As much as I do not like to hear it nor be reminded of it.

So today I am going to go on knowing that God is still God and he still loves me and is the only constant that I can depend on.  Friends and family will continue to come around to walk with us in this journey of pain, but they will not always be there when the hurt flares up.  God is the only one that is always there.  I have known through other hurts in this life that he knows even our groans of pain.  We don't have to pray through words, because Jesus is praying for us.  What a wonderful image. When we cannot do it for ourselves Jesus is doing it for us.  He is entering in through our sin, he is entering in through our pain, through our joy.

I have had 3 images/visions through theses days, that have given me such strength to know that I am not alone.

1) The first one was a dream and that was of a little baby that was alive, happy and healthy and all he was doing was being held by someone who wanted to show him to me.  His eyes were open and he was smiling.

2) The second one was of Tom and Adelaide standing next to each other holding hands each one smiling and God saying "Take care of who I have given you."

3) Was me as a child stuck in a muddy pit and a long strong arm coming and pulling me out.

All three of these are such lessons that God is God and I am not.  He has my son and he is his child so much more then he ever was mine, and he is taking care of him.  Along with all the other children that have been lost or discarded he is taking care of them.  He loves them so much more then we ever could in this fallen world

I am reminded with the second image to take care of my family that he has called me to be a steward of.  He had given me Adelaide and Tom and they need me.  So through this vision I have learned that I have to keep walking one foot in front of the other as I live out the joys and struggles of today.  I don't want to miss out on what God has given me in this day.

Lastly I am learning again that I am a sinful human being in need of rescuing all over again!  Jesus show me how to take your hand and to follow you all the days of my life.  Pull me out of the mud and mire and set my feet on the ROCK which is JESUS!

Amen

Through My Daughter's Eyes

As my new daughter sits next to me in her swing... I am reminded just how much God loves us.  When I think about the journey that Tom and I have gone through to get where we are today, I am overwhelmed with awe!  I never dreamed that you could continue to love so much and so hard that it breaks ones heart to see tears, and hear pain.  If we fallible human beings can love so hard that is tranforms our very nature...what is God's love like then? 

The adventure of parenthood is far more amazing then I could ever dream!  I always knew I wanted to be a parent...except for one semester in college where I was trying to sound tough and told my BFF that I didn't want to have kids some day!  Thankfully I grew up and realized what truly is important in this life, and that is our families.  I have traveled around the globe, seen beautiful places, met amazing people, had some fun careers, but nothing has been more rewarding and life giving then being a parent!

My neighbor across the street said to me the other day, "We are called to go and make disciples.  I have four of them and you have one, let's get to work."  Lord give us wisdom in these dark days to raise children who are strong, confident, compassionate believers who seek after Jesus and his kingdom purpose.  May their entire being be transformed by your love and grace! 

I think raising kids today is harder then it has ever been before.  We have so much against us.  And I know that it is tempting to shut out the world and run and hide.  But somehow my prayer for Tom's and my parenting style is that we seek to engage our daughter and hopefully children in healthy dialogue that gives them perspective on the "photographic negative" that we live in. 

As I watch Adelaide sleep it is so tempting to fear what she will face in her lifetime.  My prayer today as God has been teaching me again and again is to seek his face....seek his face...seek his face and all else will be taken care of, fear not!! 

The other day I was doing a word search in the Bible when Tom was dealing with some tough stuff at work.  I looked up every verse about waiting.  And what I found was a great reminder....in the face of trials all we should do and have to do is look into our Savior's face.  He is waiting to remind us that this too will pass and we can trust him. 

So as you face your week...remember with me to look to Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith and feel his eyes upon you as you look to him for peace, comfort and answered prayer.

God goes before Tom and me as we embark upon this adventure of parenting.... and he is with you in your adventures too!
Thanks and praise be to God!

Alaina

New Days Ahead

When my older brother was little, he asked my parents, "what does patience mean?"  My mom or dad responded, "it means you have to wait."  Jeremiah's response: "Me no like patience." 

Well I am 6 days away from possibly having this baby, and I was told today it will probably be a lot longer.  I feel a bit like a toddler waiting.  "Me no like patience."  On Sunday at church they played one of my favorite worship pieces, "Everlasting God," by Chris Tomlin.  This song has come up in my life when I have needed to hear it most.  It reminds me it is going to be OK; strength will rise as I wait upon the Lord.  Last time this song came up in my life was when I was struggling with burn-out and some depression.  God gave me the courage to wait and wait until he pulled me through.  Have you ever had a song that has shaped what you are going through?  It could be God speaking to you even for the first time.  What is that song to you?

The main verse of "Everlasting God" is "strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord."  There is something about waiting upon God that is so much more rewarding and life-giving than waiting upon a doctor or a test result.  They are only human like you and like me.  When we wait upon God almighty, we are guaranteed that He has our best interest at heart and we can rest in His loving embrace trusting that he will take care of us and those we love.  It does not matter what we are facing -- a surgery, a job change, a loss of a job, a new life entering the family -- all these things God can take care of and has taken care of before.  If you and I rest in the knowledge that God loves us, and will take care of our daily needs, we have nothing to fear.  We can wait patiently.

I don't know when our little one will finally make a grand entrance. But I do know that God is knitting her together to make her just the way she is supposed to be before she finally gets to meet us all.

Please pray that I can continue to patiently wait.

Ticking time bomb!!

Last night Tom came home and I told him that I think I should have a Halloween costume with a giant black ball on my belly with a fuse attached.  Tick, tick, tick!  BOOM! Showing people that I might explode anytime now.   I am ready now, to have my body back.  It is amazing how the fear of labor dissipates because it is natural to want your own body back. 

Pregnancy sure has been an adventure.  I could have gone without the never ending emotional roller coaster of this last trimester, but the rest of the pregnancy has been pretty amazing.  When I stop and think, there is a baby in my body, I am amazed all over again.  What a miracle!   It is when I give into the emotional lies that are thrown at me that I get discouraged and think this is never going to end. 

Our prep for pregnancy teacher said, "No one stays pregnant forever."  It is a silly quote, but it is a nice reminder too.  At this stage in the pregnancy I can't imagine doing this again.  But then I know the second that I have my baby girl in my arms I will look at Tom and say, " OK, I could do this again."  It is just getting to that moment that has been challenging.  One moment I am excited the next I am annoyed that I am still pregnant.  

I had a God given thought the other day that still sits with me and challenges me.  I think that women get the chance to experience the closest thing to what Christ went through on the cross.  Jesus came to give himself for those that did not even know him yet.  He came to pay the painful price for our sin so that we may live.   That sounds pretty darn close to what women go through to me, except in a smaller scale.   We give our bodies over to drastic changes for 9 months and then we painfully give life to a new being that does not even know how much we love them yet, and may never return that love. Our children will have the choice to walk in love with us their parents or to turn and live defiantly from our love.  This is the story of the cross.  We have a choice to live for Christ because of what he did or to walk away.    

I told my mom the other day that I am so thankful for what she did, bringing us into the world.  Any struggle that my mom or dad  has now around what we are dealing with as their children has a whole new meaning to me now.  When I think about the little life that is inside me and how much I want to protect her from the harm of this world, it in the end gives me a whole lot more grace for my parents with how they respond to me and my brothers.  They love us and have definitely earned the right to challenge and correct us when needed.  We will always be their children. 

Pregnancy and becoming a parent is the hardest most challenging thing that I have ever experienced.  But I know I am not doing it alone.  I have an amazing man cheering me on every time I come close to condemning myself for what is going on in and outside of my body.   I have loving parents who are eager to become grandparents and have been a great source of reality in the midst of fear.  And most of all, I have a loving God who has gone through much greater pain then I will endure and is walking before me every step of the way.  

So with that said, I don't have to worry about being a ticking time bomb, because in reality God knows exactly what will happen and for how long.  He has already gone before me, and is preparing the way for His child Adelaide Eileen Merry to enter the world.

Gloria a Dios!! (Glory to God)

Amen

Joy filled anticipation...

Tonight while reading a friends blogs I decided it is time for me to start writing.   I love to write and I have lots of ideas and stories to tell and it will be nice just to put them down somewhere for whomever wants to read them.

The inspiration for this blog is that I am about to become a mother and a parent.  Tom and I have been married for almost 2 years, and before our 2 year mark we will hopefully and God willing bring a baby girl into the world. 

Life sure seems to go fast sometimes, but it is full of adventures around every corner.  10 years ago I would have never said that becoming a parent would be an adventure.  I would also not have said that becoming a wife was one either.  I have learned the that they are both very much the opposite.  Getting married and becoming a parent are two of the biggest adventures that I have ever had before. 

There is always something new, always a new challenge, joy, or anticipation behind every corner.  There is also very restful times, where we sit together with no where to go and just enjoy being in each others presence. 

As the due date of our first born arrives, I am thankful that God has really changed my heart from fear into joy filled anticipation.  I look forward to sharing more of this journey with you.  Time will tell what stories I have and how they affect and challenge me. 

In His Grip,

Alaina