Through loss there is hope...

I turned 32 a couple of days ago and as I look back on this last year I see joy, pain but most of all God's loving hand holding us all even stronger then ever.  I can't believe a year has gone by since I blogged last.  Adelaide is now 15 months old and is talking, walking, throwing tantrums (little ones), I have seen much worse, but most of all loving hugging and loving anyone that comes her way.  She is such a joy to us.  I cannot imagine going through this hard loss without her.  God reminds me every day to come to him like Adelaide does when she is hurt, happy, silly or sad.  Every time she is running with her arms outstretched.

The ache of loosing our little Sebastian is still there, but each day I try to make it through knowing that this grief is only a faze and that joy will come, and does come through glints every day.  I am reminded through other courageous woman and men who have lost little ones along life's journey, "that I will always miss him, but joy will come and by God's grace others will come that you would not have had if you did not loose your son."  Hard to hear but a God reminder that God opens and closes the womb, and once again that I am not in control!  As much as I do not like to hear it nor be reminded of it.

So today I am going to go on knowing that God is still God and he still loves me and is the only constant that I can depend on.  Friends and family will continue to come around to walk with us in this journey of pain, but they will not always be there when the hurt flares up.  God is the only one that is always there.  I have known through other hurts in this life that he knows even our groans of pain.  We don't have to pray through words, because Jesus is praying for us.  What a wonderful image. When we cannot do it for ourselves Jesus is doing it for us.  He is entering in through our sin, he is entering in through our pain, through our joy.

I have had 3 images/visions through theses days, that have given me such strength to know that I am not alone.

1) The first one was a dream and that was of a little baby that was alive, happy and healthy and all he was doing was being held by someone who wanted to show him to me.  His eyes were open and he was smiling.

2) The second one was of Tom and Adelaide standing next to each other holding hands each one smiling and God saying "Take care of who I have given you."

3) Was me as a child stuck in a muddy pit and a long strong arm coming and pulling me out.

All three of these are such lessons that God is God and I am not.  He has my son and he is his child so much more then he ever was mine, and he is taking care of him.  Along with all the other children that have been lost or discarded he is taking care of them.  He loves them so much more then we ever could in this fallen world

I am reminded with the second image to take care of my family that he has called me to be a steward of.  He had given me Adelaide and Tom and they need me.  So through this vision I have learned that I have to keep walking one foot in front of the other as I live out the joys and struggles of today.  I don't want to miss out on what God has given me in this day.

Lastly I am learning again that I am a sinful human being in need of rescuing all over again!  Jesus show me how to take your hand and to follow you all the days of my life.  Pull me out of the mud and mire and set my feet on the ROCK which is JESUS!

Amen